The Biggest Mistake I made after Kundalini Awakening

A Kundalini Awakening Pitfall to Avoid • The Grasping to Be Somebody

One of the biggest mistakes I made after a strong awakening experience came from what followed that glimpse of freedom. My personal identity disappeared for a time — everything fell away. But life circumstances were challenging. I ended up in a psych ward, and when I woke up, I was right back in conditioned mind.

I had seen what awakening felt like, yet I was once again trapped in the patterns of the mind. I felt determined to practice, to return to what I knew was real, because I could sense that where I was now wasn’t reality.

But the desire to be somebody still ran strong — the desire to be successful. Society reinforces that as a reasonable goal. We’re taught to strive, to become someone, to make something of ourselves. After the psych ward, that desire became supercharged. I wanted to prove I wasn’t crazy, prove I wasn’t psychotic. That fuelled my ambition even more.

The Drive to Prove Myself

I doubled down on my attachment to success. In the first year after leaving the psych ward, I went hard out. I wrote a book, pitched a sitcom, and threw myself into projects. On the surface, it looked ambitious and determined, but beneath it all, it came from desperation. I wanted to become somebody and prove myself.

Even though I was still practicing, still walking the spiritual path, this attachment to identity prevented me from opening back into what I had experienced.

When I began teaching yoga a couple of years later, that same energy played out. Teaching became the vehicle through which I tried to become successful. I remember being invited to appear on the cover of a women’s fitness magazine — I was ecstatic. Finally, I’d “made it.” But the editorial direction changed, and it didn’t happen. I was gutted. So close to being somebody… and then, no.

Later, Wanderlust invited me to present. Again, I felt like I’d arrived. It was fun and beautiful, but I now see that the joy came not from being someone, but from being present in the moment.

Seeing Through the Illusion

Over time, it became clear that awakening means realizing there is no fixed person here at all. There is only awareness — essence nature — and the patterns, memories, and stories that come and go. Those can’t be what we are, because they are impermanent.

It’s one thing to understand this intellectually, and another to experience it directly. From around 2017 (after daily Ucchāra Practice for years), glimpses began returning, deepening again and again. Now it’s so apparent: there’s nobody here.

So when there’s nobody here, who is trying to be successful?

The grasping still arises — I feel it when teaching, especially when I slip into the mind, trying to perform or impress. It feels entirely different from teaching from presence. When I notice this, I drop back into nothingness — into nobody-ness — and the entire room shifts.

The Vigilance Required to avoid a Kundalini Awakening Pitfall

There’s an abiding awakeness now, yet patterns and karmic tendencies still run. That requires vigilance and discernment.

A useful question I ask myself is, Where am I? If I sense myself asserting identity, defending, or protecting, I know I’m caught in the construct of “somebody.” Then I soften back, allow, and dissolve again.

Looking back over the last twenty years, I see how much grasping there was — striving to meet family expectations, to earn love and validation. That unconscious drive powered the whole construct of becoming someone. As I speak about it, emotion arises, that’s more dissolving, more letting go.

I don’t have to be somebody anymore. I get to be free. Life still loves me.

Freedom in Nobody-ness

Maybe that’s the heart of it. I don’t have to be anybody. Neither do you.

If we walk the spiritual path to become good at it or successful at it, we just circle endlessly. That was me for a long time. Now I’m seeing through it, letting it burn up and dissolve.

A shout-out to the book Beyond Addiction to Awakening by Gary Tzu. It illuminated this pattern of wanting to be special, successful, or somebody, and how that attachment becomes a pitfall on the path. Reading it helped me see clearly how that conditioning blocked the simple resting in awareness, in essence, nature.

So I leave you with this:
You don’t have to be anybody.
You can be nobody.
Because in the end, and in the beginning, we are all nobodies.

Key Takeaways

• Awakening reveals the illusion of self. The experience showed that identity and personal story are impermanent phenomena, not what we truly are.
• The drive to “be somebody” is powerful conditioning. After awakening, that desire can reassert itself — often amplified by trauma or the need to prove worth.
• Success can mask attachment. Outward achievement can look like purpose but may stem from insecurity and the need for validation.
• Presence vs. identity. Teaching or creating from “somebody-ness” feels contracted; dropping into “nobody-ness” opens the field.
• Awareness requires vigilance. Recognizing when identity reasserts itself allows softening and release into awareness again.
• Emotional release marks dissolution. When emotion arises, it signals old conditioning melting away.
• True freedom lies in nobody-ness. The liberation comes not from achieving or becoming, but from realizing there’s no fixed self to defend or prove.

Need a guide as you integrate your awakening? I’ve got you.