I’m sick. It started on Sunday morning with a sore throat. By Monday afternoon my nose was a little sniffly. Tuesday morning, the sore throat was gone which felt like a good sign… but over the day, my nose got worse, and worse, and worse. Now, on Wednesday morning, it’s blocked, and running, all at the same time. Although I feel energetically some what better.
It’s been a fascinating process. For one, having a cold in a Covid-19 era is not the same as it was. On Monday, I had a doctors appointment booked. Normally I’d just waltz on up, cold and all. But instead, I called ahead to make sure it was ok, even though I really, really, really wanted to make that appointment. (I have a mole that’s changed in the last four weeks).
Nope. Don’t come in, they told me. We’ll reschedule you for next week.
Fortunately, I work mostly from home, on my own timetable. Monday, I slept all day, and did my one meeting from bed with my laptop on my lap.
Tuesday, I had a class scheduled, a webinar, and a client. All remote. I slept in between, and then hauled myself out of bed to show up. It was ok. Until I got to the client, which was at about 5:45pm. By then, my nose was streaming so much I had to blow it about 8 times during our session.
Today, I’ve got one webinar, and one client. In between, I’ll sleep. Everything else can wait. I’ve already postponed a Yoga in th Lounge session scheduled for Thursday evening, and I’m looking at postponing a Yoga at the Gym session that’s scheduled for this Saturday. Sure, I know I could deliver that class without a hassle… but it doesn’t feel responsible to show up on the tail end of a cold in a confined space and teach to 30-odd people.
Though out this process I’ve noticed the mind wanting to minimise, justify or rationalise.
‘It’s only a cold, you can’t have Covid-19, it doesn’t matter, the doctor won’t know your throat is sore, the gym is in a warehouse, it will be safe.’
The thing is, I know that this is justification. I know it’s the mind. And when I drop down into awareness and wait to see what actions arise… I find myself calling the doctor, messaging the yoga peeps, emailing the gym… and being straight up and true.
My mind just doesn’t have a hold on me anymore. I can see through it, and I can’t let it control me, because MIND.
And, underneath it all, there’s less and less attachment or fear to what might happen if I just let awareness guide me. (Not that there’s awareness and me as two separate entities… that’s a figure of speech, not a description of reality. I AM awareness, it is me.)
Something else I’ve noticed that’s been stark too. The moment any aspect of my being starts to ‘not want to be sick’ – i.e. resist what’s happening – there’s an immediate softening and letting go. It’s like the resistance can’t get any traction, not any more. Sick is where I am. Resisting it, wishing it wasn’t so, railing against it… it’s seen through for the futility and suffering it is.
Instead, I’ve been soaking it up, as best I can. It doesn’t happen often, this sickness. And, it’s not that bad. I’m still capable of walking around, of taking care of myself and my son (who is also sick now). The crock pot has been a saviour – I made stew on Sunday morning which carried us through until yesterday afternoon. And now I’m making chicken soup. Toast with jam has also been a winner.
It’s such a relief – neither judging what’s happening, or wishing it was different. I can sense this deep trust in the unfolding of life which is growing over time. It’s ok to be right where I am, even though it may not be my preference. This is the fruits of practice. It’s not about having a perfect life or being blissed out all the time, it’s about feeling the deep okness no matter what is unfolding.
This has been the integrated practice throughout.
- Notice when the Mind begins to minimise, rationalise or justify.
- Drop down into awareness
- Move from that space.
- Notice when there’s any resistance to what’s unfolding.
- Drop down into awareness.
- Move from that space.
It’s simple. Yet it’s powerful.
I’ve also been continuing my daily practice – the Ancestral Karma Prostrations Practice plus the Four Part Tantrik Practice. In both cases, I’ve been doing them from my bed, and a bare minimum of what’s required. Good enough is good enough.
This is just my direct experience, as it’s unfolding now. Notice as you’re reading my words what might come up for you.
- Are there any objections in the mind?
- Is there any resistance?
- Are there any feelings in the body?
Objections, resistance or feelings can indicate the conditioning you might be carrying around illness. It might reveal ways in which you compare yourself to others. Because this is just MY experience. If/when you’re sick, you might have a completely different experience. Both experiences are valid – it just reflects where I am, and where you are. Separate expressions of the Goddess dancing through life…
Whatever comes up for you, practice noticing, acknowledging, and reorienting to awareness. Stay in the felt-sense of your body, and see what happens if you do that.
Now, I’m going to go and rest up before my 9am webinar. That’s what’s needed… Oh – and I’m going to get dressed too…