How I used being on a Benefit to find my Power

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Here in New Zealand, we have a comprehensive social welfare state, designed to support citizens when life gets tough.

When I left my son’s father in late 2010, I became a single parent. And I was determined that I wouldn’t go on the Sole Parent Benefit, and that instead, my fledging business would be able to support me.

My son was barely a year old though, and I had no family support nearby. The online yoga magazine I was running didn’t attract much advertising, and sales was not my forte.

When he was about 14 months old, I went in to see WINZ (Work and Income NZ) to find out about applying for a childcare subsidy, so I could have a couple hours a week to myself, and continue to build up my online business.

I was living with a friend, who wasn’t charging me rent, but of course, there were still other expenses and I was determined to contribute to the household however I could.

The case manager blanched when I told her my weekly income and asked me how on earth I was surviving. And she told me straight up – you need support, you’re eligible for the benefit, please apply.

So I did.

And for the next three years, I received some kind of Sole Parent Benefit, plus accomodation supplement, while I got my business off the ground and enough cash coming in to pay myself a living wage.

Over that time, I encountered some amazing staff at WINZ – like that original case manager, and a later case manager who insisted I apply for the accomodation supplement to support my rent payments when I moved to Wellington. However there were so many times when my benefit would be cut unexpectedly, or I would receive letters changing my entitlements that made no sense at all.

When this happened, I would invariably have the same bodily reaction. My stomach would drop out, and dread and fear would flood my system.

I felt powerless, at the mercy of some Government entity that could do what it liked to me.

I hated feeling that way. And it was made even worse because I was never in the wrong, yet when shit happened, the onus was on me to get on the phone, wait on hold, get through to the right person, explain myself, and get the benefit re-instated or fixed. I already felt vulnerable, and raw, and often incapable of jumping through these hoops, yet I had no choice if I was going to keep paying rent.

Yet right from the beginning, I recognised that this was also a gift and an opportunity. These interactions were revealing the power dynamic I perceived between myself and this government agency. I felt like a vicim. It felt like WINZ had power over me. Neither of these things were true. I realised that if I consciously worked with these experiences, that I would be able to free myself from this energy and this kind of experience. I would be able to empower myself.

I dreamed of a day when I’d get a letter, and be able to read it, and NOT have it trigger me, or flip me into fight/flight/freeze.

That was my desire. And that was what I worked toward.

I did this both on the energetic level – working with my emotion/mental being, and my energetic being – AND on the practical level. I saved as much money as I could so that I always had a buffer, and could cover my living expenses for at least a few weeks if the benefit was cut.

I dug out the stories I was telling myself about what it meant to be a single mum on the benefit. I saw through all those stories, and let them dissolve. I noticed any shame that came up about accepting government support and worked with that.

In doing this work, I realised that my initial reluctance to go on the benefit was a resistance to reality – I was trying to avoid these feelings. That resistance was because I did have stories about what it meant to be that person on a benefit, and I didn’t want to be that person.

But I was.

And in time, I realised that it was ok. I realised that there is nothing more valuable to our society than loving and raising a child. I realised that my choice to spend time with my child while he was a baby and toddler was valid. That pursing my business dreams instead of getting whatever job I could was also valid. I knew that investing in myself, my child and my business was the best choice for us. That I could live my life anyway I liked – it was my choice.

In June 2014, I signed up to do a week-long Teacher Training in Bali. I had some cash reserves in my business to pay the $2500 fee, plus $1500 flights. A business overdraft covered the rest.

My salary had steadily increased over the past three years, to about $300 a week, but I was still receiving some money on the Benefit. I decided that if my business could come up with the money to pay for a week’s Teacher training in Bali, it could also come up with enough money to pay me another $150 a week that would get me off the Benefit.

So I went off the benefit, the day before I flew out to Bali.

The next three months were tough. The business wasn’t really bringing in enough money to pay my salary yet, and so I had to take the $4000 I’d personally saved for a rainy day and invest it in my business, so it could pay me. But that felt in integrity, and it felt powerful.

I was back to zero dollars in savings. My business was in and out of overdraft. But I was off the benefit. I’d done it.

And not only had I done it, but along the way, I’d radically transformed my relationship to WINZ – an entity that represented power and authority, and used to make me feel like I was a victim to the system.

That was no longer true. I didn’t feel that way anymore.

I’d internalised my own sense of power and authority and freed myself from the awful feelings that I used to have whenever a letter would arrive from WINZ. The feeling that – even though it was generally always their mistake – that I had done something wrong. That they could do anything they liked to me.

It was a horrible, horrible feeling… until the time when I got a letter from them, and there was NO reaction. I read it, and I remained in centered presence. And then I simply took care of business…

I was free. I had liberated myself from the vicim dynamic in this situation.

This is what is means to live as a Tantrika. To take full responsibility for your own reactivity. And to use EVERYTHING in your life as an opportunity to liberate.

It is in this way that we become masters – not of our external world, but of our internal experience.

And that is true power.

If you’d like to learn how to live as a Tantrika, and how to take full responsibility for your reactivity, check out my up-coming Online Tantra Training. There are still three spaces available.

 

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